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Growing up I was never quite satisfied with the role I was in- always waiting for the “next” in life .

I distinctly remember being in Kindergarten and wishing I was on the “big playground” and in “real school.”  Then in first and second grade I couldn’t wait to be on the “bigger playground” and by sixth grade,  elementary school was whatever word we used back then for “lame” and I couldn’t wait for junior high.

kindergraduation1 300x300 Calm My Anxious Heart: Content With My Role

And on and on it went.

By my junior year of high school I couldn’t wait to be in college.

You guessed it –   I didn’t savor my college experience either.

I was stressed out by my own high expectations of myself and I couldn’t wait to graduate and get a job.

I began a long distance relationship with my now husband my senior year in college, but I wasn’t satisfied with living single- I couldn’t wait to be married.

Three years later I was married and couldn’t wait to have children.  Two years later we had our first son and by the time he was a year old….. you know the drill.

I was super blessed to be a stay at home mom of two little boys and I did cherish my time with them, yet I did long for the day they would both be in school and I would have some time to myself again.

 I was a “happy person” in each of my roles throughout my life, yet I never could keep myself from looking ahead at the next role, the next stage and idolize it.

 I may have been happy, but I can see now that I was certainly NOT content- not content. 

Our boys are both away at college now.  We began the stage and role of “empty nesters” in August this past summer.  And yes, I did look forward to it as an exciting and necessary step for children and an exciting and inevitable step for my husband and me.

But do you think I was content in this new found role?

While there were actually many contributing factors to the anxiety and depression God saw me through this past summer and fall – with the loss of my children from our home and the loss (I can’t get it back) childhood of my precious boys being one of them. 

Figuring out my “role” as a breast cancer survivor was also one of them.  Having this role is not one that any woman asks for or looks forward to – much like being infertile, single when you hoped to be married or widowed.  And yet, God gives us blessings in each of these roles.  I haven’t experienced the blessings that come in these other roles, but I have with having had breast cancer.

Even if we need to be reminded daily, hourly or minute my minute that our God does not make mistakes in assigning us these roles.

Even if we must remind ourselves over and over again that He is sovereignly and lovingly in control. 

Even if we must meditate on Romans 8:28 again and again affirming that God does work out ALL THINGS for good for those who are called according to His purpose. 

Even if.

I am not “happy” to be a breast cancer survivor (well actually I am! The alternative to survivor isn’t much to be happy about. But you know what I mean.)  I’m not happy to have had breast cancer and to have to deal with its possible return for the rest of my life.  Just as I can’t fathom any woman is happy she ended up a widow.  We can, this book and the Holy Scriptures are teaching me, learn to be content in each and every role God would have us in.

Something I believe God has been teaching me about being content is that one can’t be content in life, in the role you presently have until you learn to live fully in the present.   Learning to let go of the distractions in life and just LIVE in whatever the RIGHT NOW God has given you.

This was one of the blessings having breast cancer gave me.  Do I wish that I had learned to be fully present, receiving the blessing each role, each year, each day God gave to me without and before being diagnosed with a life threatening disease?  You bet!  I’ve cried buckets of tears over that one regret, but now I get to count the fact that I do strive (and succeed much of the time!) to live fully in the present as a blessing that my role as breast cancer survivor has given me.

God doesn’t promise us husbands, children, long lives, great jobs, happy circumstances, or easy living.  (John 16:33)

But he does promise us today and the blessing each new day brings.  (Lam 3:23)

He promises to be with us through it all. (Heb 13:5)  

He promises His peace. (John 14:27)

He promises to bring about beauty out of ashes. (Isaiah 61:3)

He makes the promises and all ( I say “all” knowing it isn’t easy) we need  to do is participate in the here and now of our lives- not focus on the future, on the “what if’s”, on the whys’s or the when.  But the NOW and the blessings He brings to your now in whatever role He has you in.

Well, that is what came to ME from reading Chapter 4- “Content With My Role.”

Linda Dillow ends the chapter by asking, “What is God’s standard of evaluation for you and me in our given roles? Perfection?  His Word tells us, “Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.” (1 Cor 4:2)

From this Linda suggests, “Faithfulness is God’s standard! His servants are not required to be perfect or successful- simply faithful.  Our assigned role is a trust. In His love for us He has given us the gift of singleness, the gift of marriage or the gift of widowhood.  In His sovereignty, He has said it is in this role we can best glorify Him. “

I long to glorify God. 

If learning to be content and faithful in my roles as wife, empty -nest -mother and cancer survivor brings glory to my God, then that is definitely what I long to be- content and faithful.

 

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Comments

  1. Virginia Deason says:

    You spoke to my heart! <3

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